Thursday, June 25, 2009

Guppy Review: Transformers 2

Let it be said that I am not your typical movie watching female. I’ll watch an action or sci-fi movie over a chick flick any day. I’m also not a raging feminist, and I can appreciate a scantily clad kick ass chick any day of the week. I write about them all time, after all.

That being said, I loved the first Transformers movie. I remember the Transformers cartoon from my childhood, but I wasn’t a die hard fan to the point of recalling every detail of plot and names of characters. That’s what my boyfriend and my best friend Nick is for – you know, should I have a need for endless well of knowledge.

Transformers 2 sucks. Period. Unless you’re a boy between the ages of 8 (who shouldn’t even be seeing this movie because of how lewd it is) and 16 (or older if you have the maturity of the aforementioned age group), I see no reason to watch this film. Ever. Clearly the goal of this movie was to push toy sales and insult people who watched the original cartoons as children.

I’m not one to jump on the bandwagon with critics, but, well, they’re right. No stars for this disgrace of a film.

Not only is the plot littered with holes, it’s convoluted and doesn’t really make much sense. It plays off a number of things that can only be called corny and cliché. And let’s talk about characters, shall we? Personally, I was unaware that aliens from outer space would cover the full spectrum of racial clichés, down to a robot with a gold capped tooth who says “You’re a pussy.” My childhood of the 80s weeps.

When we weren’t stuck listened to poorly delivered, corny dialogue (like Ironclad in his Shakespearean voice saying “Come and get a piece of this”) and jokes about testicles, we’re watching fights that are so poorly done you can’t really see what’s going on, and robots that no longer fight like robots, but kick and punch like drunks in a bar fight. And I was really annoyed to see what appeared to be the exact same setting (the desert fight in the first movie with the scorpion Transformer) for a fight that was almost a direct copy. Colored smoke, army men shouting, planes air bombing, and for added effect, Megan Fox’s boobs via slow motion camera.

Back to Megan Fox for a moment. What happened to the quasi-tough chick from the first film? Oh, it must be the decision by Micheal Bay to make women nothing but sex objects for this movie. The extent of Megan’s presence in the movie is to walk around with her boobs and butt hanging out, sit in front of her computer lamenting that her boyfriend didn’t show up for their webcam date, and whining about who will say I love you first – Sam or her? That seemed to be as much as focus of the movie as giant robots taking over the planet. The objectification of women continues in the college scene, which becomes another one of those slapstick movies about how college is all about getting drunk and having sex, and all women who are freshmen look like supermodels, pin boys to their beds after they say they have a girlfriend, and ram their tongues down the guy's throat while their ass is hanging out of their too short dress. Oh, and if you aren't a sex machine, you're a moron like Sam's mother, who went from funny in the first film to completely incomprehensible in this one.

Is this really all kids want these days? We have to have constant cursing, ball sack jokes, tits and racial stereotypes and slurs to make something funny? I went to the 4:00 showing yesterday, and the audience was filled with kids and teenagers. They laughed hysterically at every bad joke and actually cheered when the movie ended as I was walking out in utter disgust.

I remember when cartoons had plots and morals, but apparently the new rage is the intellectual equivalent of fart noises, which is exactly what Transformers 2 equates to: a two and a half hour bowel movement.


Eric said...

LOL. Guppster, this review equates to one thing. You're getting old 'n grumpy. Just kidding. I completely agree with your synopsis, and I haven't even seen it. The few previews I have seen left me less than impressed, despite the fact that I thought the first movie was decent enough. Not perfect, but decent enough. No, I won't be rushing out to see this one, particularly since your opinion seems to mirror my own on so many things. Must be the geekdom vibe in DC. What I'm waiting for is G.I. Joe, which looks like an awesome thrill ride. Let's hope they don't screw that one up.

The Screaming Guppy said...

Haha! I was thinking the same thing: Damn I'm an old fart!

Maybe the geekiness comes from the Lime in the DC (like the lime in the coconut?)

And I'm with you. I really hope G.I. Joe can be fun without resorting to the sad tactics of Micheal Bay.

Lady Glamis said...

WHOA! I've heard some other bad reviews, but this one TOPS them all! Even if, like my husband want to, I argue that it was just your expectations that made this movie so terrible, I don't think it's much of an argument. You've presented evidence that clearly shows the downgrade of a good action flick and storytelling. It's a shame.

lotusgirl said...

That is so nice to know. Now I'm not really interested in my son seeing it. The special effects look like they would be cool, but I'd rather avoid it completely now.

B.J. Anderson said...

Holy cow! I never saw the first movie, but I think I'll definitely avoid this second one. Thanks for the heads up.