Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Revisiting: Yay Nature

So I found this while I was cleaning out my folders at work - an email story I sent to my friends and family when I first moved out to Washington in 2007.

Since it's good to be able to laugh at oneself, I figured I'd share. And on a side note, I had a spider night terror about a month and a half ago and six months ago. So yeah. Apparently, I'm just never going to outgrow some things.

Yay Nature:

I love nature. I really do. As much as I stay inside on my computer, I really enjoy the outdoors, animals, trees and all that happy stuff. I even don’t have many of the normal girlie issues about getting dirty, sweaty and insects and rodents. However, a spider is not an insect. It’s something much, much worse.

A few of you have heard this story. I know my mom for one, is going to enjoy hearing about it again and laughing at me some more (with all motherly sympathy included, of course).

So I haven’t encountered much in the way of bugs out here, much less with the small flies and the like which are abundant back east, as most of you are well aware. Overall, it seems like there are a lot less in general. Good stuff. For the most part, the only thing that has weaseled its way in to my apartment is a single gnat, which I swear is the same one who keeps wandering around, day after day. He is alone, and super annoying since he likes to poke whatever I am doing – computer monitor, the TV, and occasionally my eyeball. And despite my repeated efforts to smoosh him, he always makes a dexterous escape. I think I’m going to be forced to name him soon.

My encounter with small, elusive, less than amiable creature of the wild was a few weeks ago. There I was, minding my business, playing on my computer. When slowly, something dropped into my peripheral vision. I peel my eyes away from the screen to focus on the thing dangling mere inches from my nose.


It’s a good thing I wasn’t playing my online game – since we use voice chat – as I yelped and scrambled out of my chair. It would have been bad for two reasons – first, everyone I was playing with would have heard me squeal. Secondly, the speed at which I tore out of my chair did not allow for thoughts of consequences – like how I would have either broken my headset by ripping it out of the socket or pulled my entire computer off my desk. After much twitching and whining, I finally got a few paper towels and smooshed him. Flushed and gone, with a shudder of icky feelings, I went back to my day no worse for wear.

This past weekend, however, was a different story. It was Saturday night, and I had stayed up late to watch some anime (Kayla – I’m finally watching Trigun by the way). Decide its time to hit the hay, a little later than normal, and I get all comfy in my nice warm blankets and cuddled up for sleepy time. I’m finally dozing off when my cat, Kyra, gets up on the bed. That’s no big deal, I’m used to them walking all over me. Then she starts pawing at the back of my shoulder. So I reach over to poke her in the face and tell her to bugger off. Then I touch the back of my shoulder, and feel something funny. Kinda felt like a string or something, so I roll in it my fingers a little – was sort of fuzzy and had a really weird consistency and too think for string. My eyes suddenly shot open – panic creeping into the pit of my stomach. No…it really couldn’t be. Not in my bed right? My safe place? No way… I still get out of bed, holding the mystery item between to fingers, and drop it on my dresser next to the light. I turn on the light, with a gulp.


There was that wonderful second of delay as a I stared at it, it’s legs all curled around each other from where I rolled it between my fingers – ew touched it ew ew ew – and it starts wiggling, all half dead and legs all creepy. Yea.

It’s a good thing I live alone, and that I had my windows shut. I screamed like someone was killing me – a bloodcurdling howl of someone being murdered. If I had a roommate, boy would they have loved me – waking them up at 1:30 am like the end of the world was coming. (Though I am forced to admit, I could have used a hug at that point…or someone less ridiculously wimpy to remedy the situation and then give me ice cream and a hug.) If my windows had been open, I think someone might have called the police. Kyra, who was no doubt proud of her self, flew of the bed in terror and ran to hide. My other cat, Chunky, darted up from sleeping, staring at me with eyes a big as saucers. I then do that little dance of “I’ve got something crawling all over me but I can’t get it off” all the way to the kitchen, grab the paper towels and come back and grab it as daintily as I can, and then chuck that asshole in the toilet. Where he, of course, continues to wiggle at me. I’m not a complete baby, mind you. This thing was like…BIG. With his legs all spread out he was bigger than a silver dollar, at least. I’m getting all twitchy writing about it…Ok, so everyone needs a phobia right…it makes use humans…or just…individuals. Right then.

I took a shower after, doing that routine of someone who’s just been touched by toxic waste, scouring my skin to try to get rid of that heebie-jeebies feeling that penetrates to the bone. Then came the process of shaking out all the sheets, pillowcases and blankets, and checking every corner of the apartment for spider webs. And the paranoia every time something brushed my hair or my hair touched my face that I was under attack again. Took me at least two hours after that before I could sleep. For those who don’t have the background on me I had night terrors growing up that spiders were attacking me. I’d run screaming from my bedroom enough to wake up parents, standing out it the hallway blubbering “spiders…spiders”. I’d say I had them when I was a child, but I think the last one I had I was at least sixteen. LOL.

So I was staring at my cat, right before going to bed, thinking…either she is my hero, or I should kill her. Did she truly save me? Was it walking across my pillow, ready to strike and crawl all over my face and she came to the rescue? Or did the little turd half kill the spider and bring in into my bed…. Either way, at least it was too semi-smooshed to put up any resistance when I grabbed it. I think I might have peed myself if it wiggled in my hand.


Have you checked your sheets and pillowcases lately?


M. Dunham said...

Did you know that no matter where you're at, you're always no more than 6 feet away from a spider? Fun fact!

The Screaming Guppy said...

I haaaaaattteeechhhhuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!

Danyelle said...

I'm terrified of spiders too. It wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't allergic to their bites. Me--the one who tried to free rather than kill them when she was younger! Me--the only one that ever seems to get bitten! Life is not fair.

B.J. Anderson said...

LOL. I so totally understand how you feel.

beth said...

Once, I got a towel from the dresser where my parents stored them. Hung the towel over the shower rod, took a shower, wiped my face with the towel. When I pulled the towel from my face, I saw, two inches away, a spider about the size of my fist!!!

That happened over ten years ago and I STILL check towels for spiders!

Litgirl01 said...

Girlllll I hate spiders too! I would rather do revisions than to LOOK at a spider! ICK! crack me up!

Lady Glamis said...

Okay, I'm the odd one out. I like spiders.... really, I do. I just don't like them ON me. But I'm not afraid of them. :)

Eric said...

What? My fellow DC drinker is afraid of spiders? Use that can and smash the things. Oh, I hate to mention a rather uncomfortable fact. Do you know that the average person swallows 15 spiders a year while they sleep? So yummm. Dwell on that idea, heh heh.

The Screaming Guppy said...

So mean

; ;